Monday, August 20, 2007

Rid O' Jerk

Rrrrrriinnnngggggg!! Rrrrrrrinnnggggggggg!!!

The phone jolted Jack awake at... he glanced at the big bright red numerals on the clock 7:18 AM. Who in the world could be calling him at this hour of the morning? And on his day off, yet??!


Jack reached over to the nightstand, picked up the phone. He struggled to shake off the cobwebs of sleep as he said, "Hello?"

An angry voice bellowed at him from the receiver: "Taylor, what the hell are you up to? You're late for work again!"

"Sorry," said Jack, "you've got the wrong number." Taylor?! Who in the world is Taylor?

"Taylor!!!" The voice barked like a drill sergeant. "Don't you play games with me! You were supposed to be in to work by seven this morning! That's the second time this month!"

"I'm sorry," said Jack, "but you've got the wrong number. I don't know any Taylor, and at any rate this is my day off."

"Don't give me excuses like that!," shouted the voice. "I'm your boss, and you're going to be in here by no later than quarter to eight, or YOU'RE FIRED!!!"

"Look," said Jack, "I have no idea who you are, what outfit you're representing, or who this Taylor is..."

"RRRRRAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!" The voice howled like an enraged wild animal over the phone. "TAYLOR!!! Now you listen... you just shut up... you obey me... you come in to work... you lazy, shiftless, worthless—"

"All right," said Jack, "I've had more than enough of this." Careful to hold the receiver far away from his ear, Jack reached over and pressed the bright red Rid O' Jerk™ button on his phone.

Even at arm's length, the sound of the explosion on the other end of the line was almost deafening. KABLLLLAAMMMMM!!! The sound of the explosion, as the jerk boss's head detonated and blew up like a bomb.

Now there was silence over phone. Silence, until several seconds later came a piercing shriek. No doubt a worker walking into the jerk boss's office, and finding the headless body sitting there. Finding blood and bits of brain and skull fragments sprayed all over the room. That's one worthless jerk of a boss who will never harrass or abuse anyone again. Never again wake a complete stranger out of a sound sleep early in the morning on his day off.

Jack hung up the phone and settled back down to drift off to sleep again.

Rid O' Jerk™... guaranteed to work on any jerk! Guaranteed to work on jerks and jerks alone! Available in regular and anti-telemarketing models. Rid O' Jerk™... it sure works!


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