Monday, January 02, 2006

Political Correctness at Warp Factor 10

Left, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Progressivism. Her five-year plan: to explore strange new causes, to seek out new victims and new forms of oppression, to boldly go where no activist has gone before...

...Okay, there should be a minimum ten-year prison sentence for the hate crime of calling anyone a "poopy-head." Or a "water buffalo."

And no less than twenty years for the dextrist hate crimes of wearing clothes which are bilaterally asymmetric (for instance, a pocket on the left side without a matching pocket on the right side), providing right-handed scissors without also providing left-handed scissors, or publishing or selling any book or periodical in which English is printed exclusively left-to-right.

From now on, anything printed in English must be printed in boustrophedon, with lines running alternately left-to-right and right-to-left. Violators will be punished severely for their hate crime. SMASH DEXTRISM NOW!!!

Also to be stamped out is the hate crime of alphabetism. Henceforth, all phone directories and other such listings shall be provided with names listed in a randomly selected order. No directory or listing shall come provided with a pre-generated alphabetical index, either: that is simply a more subtle form of "hidden alphabetism."

And our entire society is guilty of the undemocratic hate crime of not granting equal representation to all animals, vegetables, and minerals. From now on, all legislative assemblies must include proportional representation by special court-appointed members of the legislature (chosen from among the ranks of environmentalist, animal-rights, and vegetable-rights activists) who will have full vote in the legislature and will represent the interests of animals, plants, rocks, mountains, rivers, etc.

And why should we be so hateful as to withhold full equal rights from those who, through no fault of their own, do not exist and never have existed? By what justification do we restrict rights to individuals and cultures which actually exist or at some time actually have existed??

This is rank discrimination, it is ontological chauvinism, and it must be ended, NOW!!!

Equal rights for the nonexistent! Aiiieeeee! Bark, bark, snarl! If I don't find myself in the United States Congress soon, as the senior Senator from Atlantis, I'm going to file a lawsuit. And some of our judges being what they are, if I keep appealing the case I'm apt to hit the jackpot!



Anonymous Anonymous said...


That sounds vaguely sinister....

Monday, January 02, 2006 10:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do NOT be giving them ideas!

Monday, January 02, 2006 2:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just stumbled across this and knew you'd like it, Paul. LOL

Monday, January 02, 2006 8:28:00 PM  
Blogger Paul Burgess said...


"Put your head on its hands!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006 6:16:00 AM  
Blogger The Tetrast said...

Crime One: You quoted advocacy for animals, vegetables, and minerals, but omitted particles. The autonomy of the fundamental and subatomic particles will not be subducted under the hegemony of glittery, decadent minerals -- and as for raw vegetables and brute animals, such reproducers and exploiters will have their blind dates with particle destiny soon enough.

Crime Two: Things kept non-existent are the province of neither Brahma nor Vishnu nor Shiva. You have stumbled upon a Forbidden Fourth. I have no way to make Crime Two tonally consistent with Crime One, but on the other hand they're your crimes, not mine.

The tone of this post has nothing to do with the fact that I couldn't get that linked video to work in my browser. No, nothing at all!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006 9:21:00 PM  

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